There’s a saying that stuck in my head, no matter what: “In the end of the day, you always ended up alone. We all do.” I used to stick with it because I was too metal (that song genre, not that alloy material), and saw everything in an opposite – you know, me against the world. So I didn’t much believe in other people and something called “forever”.
Nonetheless, seeing and experiencing things so much these past few years growing up, it’s always a lot more than meets the eye. Yes, I still do not give my trust generously to people. But I’ve been trusting some good friends and people, it’s a good progress for me. In some point, I haven’t been really alone. I thought about it and came at a conclusion that perhaps when I trust people and we got well, closer and really good, things would go wrong. And when it did, I would have nobody. However, the bottom line is: I overthink. I complicate myself when I shouldn’t have to, and why is that? Why do I always make things difficult, even for my own life?
At the moment, I feel it again. I feel that I am alone – as if it could’ve not sounded more desperate. I’m entering the new job, meaning new workplace, new situation, new people I know nothing about, new challenges, new environment and all new fudging things. Like, my life isn’t crowded enough to handle right now, they keep coming. I worry things would get messy in the new place, I have no idea about the new workplace culture and issues to deal with, but I need to drive on because I have works to do. What works? That I am still figuring out – hello first-day girl!
Another thing is I’m not in a good shape either. I’ve been sick and sick and sick and not being able to go working out because I’m sick. It’s been few weeks and I’m super done with sick. My endorphin intake has to be stopped for a while for a good health recovery. Meanwhile, the endorphin is what keeps me alive with all crazy stuff revolving. And these sicknesses are weird, I’ve never had them before. Plus, the most annoying thing to hear was all of these doctors said were, “You’re worn out, darling. You’re stressed. Let it go, don’t be too anxious and tense.” Or, “You’re undernourishment. Eat well, nutritious foods, have some milks – the low-fat ones if you must...” Come on, docs!
I am literally alone in this. Everyone’s busy, including my family. My boyfriend? I don’t even want to bring him into this little thunderstorm of mine. He’s already occupied with his stuff and work deadline, I cannot even tell him what’s really going on in my life because it’s my problem to solve, not him.
At the end of the day, that saying was right. I end up alone, right now. But I’m a big girl so I need to suck it up and do it all alone. Wish me luck?