Saturday, June 2, 2012

Endure the blemishes

I think perfection is ugly. 

Somewhere in the things humans make, I want to see scars, failure, disorder, distortion. 

Most of the time, I would say this to myself just to cheer myself of some things that didn’t work out as I expected. Another would be to give a pat on my own back telling that it’s okay to make failures, that I had tried my best and assumed it all ended up okay - but it’s not for real. 

I chase perfection. I’m so into perfection thang, not just because that I’m a Virgo but also I can't see things I handle go into another direction – and it can probably happen though. People always say all that we can do is trying to make it work, praying and letting God do the rest. That’s true, but I don’t want to make it as excuses. 

I don’t mind being defeated or lose or ignored. It happens all the time and seems just like my humane-stuffs. I can't deal with all of the weights of the world alone. I have come at this point where I let myself feel and enjoy what I’m feeling at the particular moment: When I’m down, I may cry and I’m going to do that. To hell with what my “inner” self would advice me not to do that. 

Well, if I don’t cry, I’ll stock them up and it’ll be a menacing bomb to myself and people around. I also have forgiven myself of something I’m not capable to do, of some words I can’t deliver, of some gestures I can’t make and of certain, "surreal" body shape I can’t have. 

I am also done with those articles ”enlightening” women about 10 Ways to Eat Skinny, or Don’t Do These in Your Relationship oooorrrrr… 10 Steps to Make Yourself Happier. Screw ‘em all... Life is all about flaws and trial-error processes. Life doesn’t come with instructions nor guidelines. Oh, moreover, I think I can get over how society wants me to act and live as they demand. Not this time, neighbors. I am living my life and I am the one who knows what’s going on at my shoes. 

Back to the "perfection" in life, I proudly state that I no longer depend on someone else for my happiness. I mean, I can express my thoughts, my emotion and feeling (in a non-disturbing way) and tell the world my personality. I don’t need to over-think or over-analyze whether society would deem me psycho, insane, abnormal or “I don’t like this gurl” sort of thought. 

When I set free my words and ideas, as well as recognize my true worth; or for seconds I think I may hurt someone, I promptly feel not that huge guilty all over again. I feel sorry, but I can recover at once. Otherwise, I can ask that person whether I have hurt their feelings. That’s totally okay to ask, than wonder if your action may be wrong. 

You know what, “nice” girls just don’t get it… 

Have a huge day! 

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