Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Every morning you wake up...

Peihang Huang

I've always been told by some people closed in my life that I am a nice, good person. Before you read this long, please bear in mind that I'm not a selfish, narcissistic maniac who adores myself that much. And that is a little inhumane version of being human-being, personally (seriously!).

Well, I reflect what they say inside of me. I recalled some said I should not say sorry for everything bad that happened or if things were going out of plan. With it, I really am a nice, annoying person. I shouldn't say it anymore, they suggested. This is true though, I clearly see myself repeatedly say "I'm sorry...", eveeeerrrrrytime I need some help from others, or ask people about something, or if bad things unexpectedly occur. And I tried hard to eliminate or at least minimize the habit before I bring it to my graveyard.

Another thing is not to speak up, show everything is just fine, not to express myself and that fake, happy smiles. Aren't I a good person? Bitch, that stupid, I know. It's not being nice, it's being moron. Why is that? Because I realize it now that this fear of rejection and dislikeness are covering me. I guess I'm afraid If I tell people the truth about awful stuff (for them), they will be gone away from me. I solemnly swear that I am a critic of life. I criticize everything around me - including myself and the trash bin in the corner of my office room! However, I always keep them inside which can drive me crazy in some other times. Talking about the timebomb power.

I learned, if people don't like me because of my honesty and viewpoints, that's totally fine. Everyone has their own perception and thoughts, we cannot force them not to think about it or say it. It doesn't mean that I can't also utter what I think and feel about something, It's only a matter of picking the proper words; the words that don't deeply hurt - the way you deliver it, the intonation and your face expression. Even though it again depends on others' point of view whether it hurts; well at least you've tried.

Besides, society is too damn ugly anyway. When you act happily as you are, they expect something else. When you do something else, they have their eyes curiously on you. They judge, talk about and always dislike something about you. No. It's not in your mind only, it exists. Somehow, when you feel enough of those shits, you end up living just being your true self. It's awesome, smart, strong as well as vulnerable. It's beautiful.

You know, I don't think we do tolerant or appreciate the differences. It all only appears on the surface, in the context. I can't seem to find it in reality, too bad. Ultimately, as we're all growing up, we alert of which needs to be ignored, whose words matter, how you want to be happy and with whom you want to share the joy of life.

What I'm trying to say exactly is, every morning you wake up, tell yourself that you're a badass bitch from hell and that no one can fuck with you. Then, don't let anybody fuck with you.

Cheers! xxx

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