Tuesday, February 5, 2013

The lady is no longer waiting

“Deutscher Fotobuchpreis 2012” at GFJA, Jakarta

It’s been universally consented that people all around the world hate to wait. Okay, perhaps “hate” is a harsh word. But admit it, each of us sometimes sacrifice ourselves to wait over something or someone – in a big long time, with probably no clear-cut intention at the end of the day. 

Well, you set your own factor measuring how long the times should be ended until it really put you in the awaits situation. In the end of it you might ask yourself, “Why on earth I do this? Is it worth my time?” kind of matters, with emotions and tears. Waiting is sometimes needed, but most of the times it’s obviously not. 

What are you waiting for right now, in this very moment? Delivery meals? Some work approval from the boss? Important decisions upon works, opportunities or study? Critical calls from influential persons or organizations? Business related friends? Boyfriend/girlfriend or even future spouse to finally arrive? 

Whatever they are, yes, they are maybe important. But hey, really? 

In your life, how many times have you spent to waiting for something or someone for some purposes? That vagueness lead you to the other side of the world, to an alien point which actually doesn’t matter at all cost. Why would you want to put yourself, to hold-back your life for a moment and do wait something magical to happen? 

Personally, I have been in this situation for million times. And so have you! Once, I let myself trapped in my own mind – which was some psyche trick, dare I say. I repeatedly waited my lucks to happen, and it never came. Over and over again, I put myself on-hold of my own interests, flirtations and curiosities just because I over-analyzed stuffs, waited an silenced. 

I waited and waited and waited because naively I thought the right moment surely would fall into places If I patiently, uncomplainingly wait. Gosh, patiently wait, like really? I cannot believe myself! Logically, How can those things happen while I did nothing but sit sweetly and quietly? 

Yes, I plonked my happiness and hopes onto those waiting sweethearts. After waiting for hours, days, months, years and infinity, I still expected if it’s just not the right time for them to come true. I became this freakish person who was dependent on another for happiness, for affirmation, for permission to exist the way you choose to. Because I believed they would have given me the thing I thought they would give. It was embarrassment and pity that hit the tip of the iceberg. 

I kept my life moving following the ticking time, but I stucked. At some points, I wanted to turn left but I chose to stay for a while. On another day, I forced myself to go get them, but I hesitated my decision. So that I performed half-heartedly because I was unsure to chase some things just like that. And you may guess, the result was a nightmare since I doubted myself. 

Waiting for someone is torturing as well. Especially when you assume they will keep their words into actions. You then have expectations toward this uncertainty. Somehow, I agree that the “only thing certain is uncertainty”. But we can still work on that, can’t we? When I have to pursue someone at work because that assignment needs his review and approval, what should I do huh? I can’t linger, sit back and relax, passing the time presuming he will give his review shortly. No, I should frequently ask him about it, I must get shits done real ASAP so I can move my focus to other tasks. 

There are people who make you wait. There are people who know they have a certain amount of control and influence over your life and use it to make sure you don’t go anywhere while they look around for the possibility of better options. Well in my life, I am trying hard not to be controlled and look like desperado bitch begging to end the waiting. And it’s frigging hard

The worst thing waiting for something or someone causes a constant state of never knowing, something to be said for the uncertainty of having no control or say over someone or something intensely tied to my emotions. It can become addictive, the feeling of endless waiting interposed by the sporadic moment of a text or call or vague signs of affection which can overwhelm me over for another few weeks or else. In our lives, time after time, we are told to passively sit and wait for someone or something else to come and make things better. We wait until it validates, adorns and rewards us for having been so freaking patient and enduring. 

But think of all the wonderful things we could be doing instead of waiting, the people we could be if we weren’t tempering our us-ness to impress some people. Indeed, an ordinary day lived fully is better than the best day spent in waiting. 

That is why I should not wait for anything anymore. 

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