Monday, March 25, 2013

Where should I position myself out in the world? (Part I)

"Violet" by Charmaine Olivia

In this life, we as humans have captivating roles in various situation, different places and several titles. Those many acts cannot be seen less important than another. At one time, we should be this person, while in another time and at another place, we need to be another kind of role. 

This applies to everyone out there, be them public figures, president, directors, carpenter, fisherman, student, driver or ballerina - male or female, adult or elderly, important people or common people - politically speaking. And these below are my roles. I write them in two postings so that it won't take a long, boring time to glance at.

As A Daughter / Sister
Born as the first child, female, 4-year gap to my first brother is supposed to be not that difficult. As a matter of fact, unconsciously people are so demanding. I was expected to be the best, to be the pioneer of my two brothers, to be a good example for them, as well as to protect them. I remember when I was a kid, I never thought of all of these aforementioned for a second. Nevertheless, I kept my school grades as great as I wanted them to be. 

A couple of years ago when I was in college, my parents said that my brothers looked up to me because I’m their “role mode”. Really? – how could I believe it, when at that time everything I’d been doing was intended only for myself? Yes, my school grades were awesome, my graduation score was superb, my college performance was incredible – speaking of academic performance, y’all. 

Besides, I don’t think my brothers should imitate me at all, I’m not seeing that in them right now. They’re busy with the college student activities as well as the classes, and that’s beyond cool! I never had myself being lost and busy in the college student activities; it was all about graduated earlier, great scores, got out of college as soon as possible. How geek! 

What’s more would be being the daughter itself. Why couldn’t I be the second daughter and have my elder brother? Or why couldn’t I have another sister so I wasn’t the only daughter? Why oh why, Gosh? This is stupid and I should’ve never brought this up. This is destiny – lame. 

Well, one last thing. 

Dear parents, why don’t y’all just let me finding happiness with my own way, getting success in my own path – all that I need from you is your genuine permission. 

As A Worker 
I should meet my superior and company’s expectations. Indeed, they have seen through my resume, observed whether my proficiencies are suitable with their quest and identified my facial expression through interview session. Thus, it’s reasonable if they have faith on me accomplishing assignments and sitting in some position. 

As a worker, I should obey the company’s policy and rules. In the end of the day, it’s them who pay me for my contribution. In the end of the day, it may be seen as not only the need and duty of working, but also the essential of creation, making something from what I have. 

However, I still have the right to be myself, work with my own way adjusting to others’ way of work – without abandoning the responsibility and accountability of the job desc. If the routine or rules at work exasperate my self-respect, dignity and personality, I absolutely can address it and solve it. In the end of the day, I should liberate myself of everything that hold me back from being myself and pinching my happiness. 

As A Part of Society 
This is terrible. I never knew what society wants me to do. They seem to be very hungry of anything uproars. And it feels good to be none like their hopes. Everyone has their own life to live, has their own goals which can be different from another person, so why bother? Do you have anything more important to do, people? Society is ugly. 

The good thing is, I can help other people in need, support social movements in action or do my obligation to the country (like paying tax and stuff) even though I can't expect an utmost payback from the country to its citizen, frankly. 





Sunday, March 17, 2013

I am more than I thought I knew I was


Couple of times, I’ve read several articles stated that we need to list and write down our goals, dreams or any of travel or wishes bucket list so that we can visualize and take on real actions about them. I nodded after reading it and said, “Yeah it’s a good one... I may want to try to do this”, and ended up never ever writing down the goal and target. 

I am not a loser who’s scared to put them in the writing. Simply, besides of all my folders, files, photos and movie files in the laptop, I don’t even think I’ll be so diligent to check back and update the list or to maintain it. And when a number of list has yet achieved, how am I supposed to write down the deadline for the next action? Personally, too many hassles required to develop this thing. I always encounter unexpected situation in the middle of the journey. Whatever that is, it surely affects my stated bucket list. Either I need to adjust the list, change the deadline or methods about how can I accomplish it, or delete it whatsoever. 

Nevertheless, I do have MILLIONS of goal that I want and wish them to come true. No, I don’t just sit around and daydream, acting like dumbass dreamer who wants everything goes smoothly performs in the line. Yes, I do try make things work. I try and fail. I fail and learn. I search for some answers for a better movement. Lesson learned, sometimes I procrastinate and it is fine. 

Some of the time, whether I realize it or not, I am aware that I need to know more, network more often and hungry for anything challenges and adventurous. In some other time, I am a pessimist and pussy that I almost believe I will screw my life when I’m about to do something – however, I can be a confidence woman everytime something new comes. 

I create my own challenges, develop my own stepping stones and decide what to do next. I know what my strength and weakness are. But those things sometimes fade out of my sight, I don’t even know who I am and my capability. This resulted from my super awesome over-thinking proficiency and thank God I am a Virgo. I am tired of myself, but never give up on what goes around. It’s kind of full of twists and turns, isn’t it? I knooooow. 

This, I won’t conclude anything I’ve ever experienced throughout my life. When things are going wrong, it doesn’t feel right and excite me; I realize I need to do something – not to change things around, but to change my current condition whatever that is. 

You know, I must quoted Destiny’s Child groove: “I'm a survivor, I'm not gon give up, I'm not gon stop, I'm gon work harder, I'm gonna make it, I will survive, Keep on survivin...” 

xx

Thursday, March 7, 2013

If you like it then you shoulda put a mask on it


These past few days were a little bit raaaaandom for me. I didn’t feel great about seeing the routines as it was showed in front of my eyes. I had no idea whether I just kept thinking positive and doing what I needed to do, or have this prick pierced me like whatsoever in every minutes. 

But who cares anyway? 

I can feel my dreams are waving its hands, on the dock, waiting and softly whispering, “Let’s get going, girl! What are you waiting for now?” As I am going to sink more and more, I can’t help but staring helplessly – it’s like watching yourself dying beside you. 

You know, the morning sunlight’s injecting me like it cares of me – but I even don’t give a shit with it. When the surroundings are loud and freaking annoying, I don’t care because it is what it is – it has nothing to do with my own little world which feels like punching them on the face. I could have made everything okay. But I don’t do that. You ask me why? Because it is NOT okay. 

I’m missing the whiff of the ocean, the salty taste of ingesting the salt sea water and the peek of the wide blue horizon calmly swaying, seducing. It could be my best therapy, my ecstasy. 

At this very moment, I can’t feel the joy. It’s just not right. I am happy with myself; but not with what happens with the routines. I blunt, and it is not only an idea. It’s real and dreadfully real. 

Fuk.

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