Saturday, April 5, 2014
I see the wandering light
Deep thoughts have been hanging in my mind in the past few days. I have doubted something, and I am. I tried hard to relax my mind and think positive, think happy thoughts. But still, it lingers.
It feels like my bravery is drop. My wittiness goes somewhere random. My confidence is up in the air, unreachable. And my trust a bit fades away. It's critical. The world knows me as a dorky, geeky,common girl who has always been buried in her thoughts and judgements. It is not me against the world -- it is me against my mind, which sometimes goes by itself. It makes me not a loner, but a person who locks herself out of the world and converse with her own self.
What am I feeling right now? How could I feel this? Where did this come from? Why do I have a second thought? I just... this is, I can't do this alone. Just tonight, I got to see the city lights from the highways. It made my mind wandering, and again, I was locked. I could not speak. The more my eyes glanced at the lamps and lights in the yellow, red-ish beams, the more I felt down.
So often my loved ones told me to speak, to tell people of what I think and feel; to say out loud about my opinion. That has improved, I became better in letting people hear my voices. I liked it. But this time, I sealed my lips, crossed my thought and glued my hands. I could not say whatever the heck I wanted, it wasn't fair and nice. I needed time to refresh my mind, initially. I needed to think all over again, about the stuff -- everything.
I don't know.
I guess, I'm just tired.
Tired with myself and fed up with how complex I am.
Jakarta, 10:25 pm.